It’s what I do. Wherever I find myself to be, I’ll always dream of being elsewhere. There’s a world out there and I am more than determined to make myself more than just an acquaintance to it. If it were a feasible option, I’d have nothing but a laptop, money, friends, a backpack and keys to lockers in every country (where I’d keep some of my stuff).
I don’t want a place to call home. Since my teens, I’ve never wanted to call one particular place ‘my home’. It’s an abstract concept and I have no intention of calling a neat collection of bricks, stone or metal ‘a home’. I want to drive and ride and fly and sail and see everything, everywhere. I don’t want to stop. I never want to stop. Nothing will stop me.
You’d think hearing stories of people who have died and narrowly escaped death, witnessing a train crash moments after it happened, nearly drowning as a child under a raft, or being in a plane just after take off and seeing your dad trying to find out why the engines just died… one would think these would traumatise and discourage someone from ever traveling again.
I’ve often thought about how I’d survive a plane crash, whether my dad was flying or a professional pilot in a 747. I’ve often been on trains wondering how I’d get out as soon as possible, should the train derail or even end up in a fiery collision. I can’t even look at pictures of underwater creatures at the bottom of the oceans without cringing, but nothing will deter my passion for travel.
This passion to leave, be it a place or time or situation, comes with undoubted consequences. Namely, not everyone you’re connected to can go with you. Your friends. Your family. Your pets. Your colleagues. Your home. Your neighbourhood. Your childhood. All of it, all of them, will be left behind. The kink in the dream of being everywhere at once. And while all this, or even one of the aforementioned may be reason enough to anchor oneself to the ground on which they stand, I cannot honestly say any of these affect me at all.
Not to sound like a cold selfish bastard, but I’m more than ready to leave everything behind. I’m ready to never see my parents and sister again. I’m ready to never see my friend, whom I’ve known for over 15 years, ever again. I’ve never had pets and everything else can kiss my ass. I’ve made and lost friends and I’ll eventually make and lose friends again. Nothing is perpetual.
As heartless as this may sound, most people who know me would describe me as friendly, funny and even lovable at times. Although I’d flirt with any woman who tickled my fancy and go out with anyone who didn’t irritate the shit out of me, I’ve always spared my true affection for those I’ve found to be worthy of it.
“I love you” are words I find hard to simply throw at someone I like, even share with someone I love. I like that. I like the fact that, to me, they still retain their value. That’s how it should be. Love should be shared with those who are an exception to the rule. Not with those who become a whole new passion or experience. Not those who make your heart skip a beat. Not even those who give you all the things you’ve longed for all your life. The attention, the affection, the favours and the moments. Gravy. That’s all it is.
I have only one passion. To improve my life, be it through learning or experience, a book, a website, social interaction or even traveling, which I favour the most. I don’t want to focus on anyone else but myself, as selfish as it sounds. I will never dedicate myself to another. I’ll never die for someone, never give up everything for someone, never climb the highest mountain or even swim around the world for someone. You can take all that prefabricated cliché romantic crap and shove it.
The only way I could love anyone is for that person to be a part of me. My love is for no one but those who share my passion. Who won’t deter me from this and substitute the fire inside me with another. When I feel our paths merge, when I feel our hearts and minds fuse, when I feel I can no longer survive without you… you have me. You have me when you’ve become the world I want to explore, when you’ve become the life I want to live and the moments and experiences I want to remember.
On this lonely flight through the clouds of uncertainty, if you’re sitting next to me in the pilot’s seat and I can trust you to bring me wherever I want to go, you have my love, because then it’ll be our destination.
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