Backdated post. Originally posted on my deviantART page.
Edited on January 11, 2008.
Finally! Finally I can bring this to a close. After a series of self-torture (watching Roger Moore trying to act) and a few ups and downs between Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan, I have now, finally, the bragging rights to say that I have seen every official James Bond movie. The conclusions I have come to draw regarding the last two Bonds surprise even myself.
I have realised there is one factor which is hard to.. factor in, so to speak. A movie is like a fine wine, you can say. It’s goodness depends on when you drink.. or when you watch it, really. Many movies seem good the year they come out, but when you watch them again years later, it can sometimes surprise you.
Moonraker (1979)
Rated: 6/10
This movie surprised me in many ways. It actually led me to believe that ol’ Roger boy was getting better at being a Bond. This, however, was short-lived, as Bond ended up going into space. It makes me want to believe they just wanted to ‘borrow’ some of Star Wars’ glory, which was released just 2 years before this. Can’t blame them though, and I won’t, since everyone probably wanted more of it in the movies.
Still, the acting was mediocre as expected, but everything and everyone else was pretty good (especially Jaws), up until the space part. When things go over the top, they tend to go downhill. Other than all this, there isn’t much to say about Moonraker. Sad to see Jaws go though…
For Your Eyes Only (1981)
Rated: 7/10
First Moore movie to get more than a 6 on actual merit. This movie genuinely did not suck. This movie not only had a plausible plot, but it actually had a twist. That’s right, a plot twist in a Bond movie. Shocking.
What’s better is that the Bond chick was actually pretty and not some bimbo, and she wasn’t a sucky actress either. And Moore, unlike always, didn’t sabotage the plot! This is probably his prime as a Bond. Hoped it would last.. we’ll see. Oh, what is this movie about? You’re gonna have to check that out yourself.
Octopussy (1983)
Rated: 7/10
This can’t be the writers. It must be the generation gap. The moment the 80s struck, Moore got better, seriously. Well not him, but the plots.
Honestly, the Connery Bond was killed when Moore took over, but this movie kept him from rolling in his grave. The plot was plausible, interesting, and the bit that gave this movie it’s passing grade: one punch line that wasn’t lamer than an Inca corpse. When in India, James Bond was sitting in the back of a little buggie driven by an Indian friend. Just then they are chased by the enemy and as they are about to shoot, they say this:
Bond: Vijay, we have company
Vijay: Don’t worry, this is a company car
He smiles and revs the buggie, does a wheelie and speeds off. That scene alone just made my day. The rest of the movie is quite interesting too. One Moore flick I’d recommend.
A View To A Kill (1985)
Rated: 5/10
Well it couldn’t have lasted, nor did it. The plot is made obvious from the start and it doesn’t get better. Madman wants to destroy Silicon Valley. A plot so simple you can sum it up into a tabloid headline. Seriously, there isn’t anything else to add to it. I think this movie was just another reason to see Cristopher Walken shoot people like a madman. Actually he plays the madman in this one.
Oh, and who could forget the “lovely” Grace Kelly. My goodness, she is one flat-chested flat-assed ugly motherfucker. I typically use ‘bitch’ when referring to females I dislike, but she is just one ugly motherfucker in that movie. Seeing her bare ass in all it’s infamous glory was the scene that killed baby Jesus. There is one, and only one compensation though: this is the last of the Roger Moore films. Thank your god now.
The Living Daylights (1987)
Rated: 7/10
Not a bad debut for probably the best Bond since Connery. This is what I call a true Cold War film. Good plot, good plot twist, good actors.. kinda, and good endings. I may have found this movie better than it really was, because it was a real relief from the ‘plot sabotaging’ Moore Bond. They really did strip this Bond of every characteristic Moore contributed to the Bond series. His unfathomable knowledge which comes from nowhere, his so-called slutty charm, his lame-ass corny punch lines. EVERYTHING. Dalton did not fail.
Of the many factors that make a movie good, there was one important one that was in his favour and one that seriously wasn’t. Dalton isn’t Bond. His broad face isn’t Bond. As much as he sounds like it and acts like it, he doesn’t look like it. The factor in his favour? The movie was made for him. The script was.. it’s as if it was custom-made for him. That seamlessness is exactly what cancelled the previous factor out. He rocks, Moore sucks.
Licence To Kill (1989)
Rated: 6/10
This movie was a victim in all sorts of ways. 1989 was a very interesting year, not only in history but in Hollywood as well. Let me just start by listing the factors.
First of all, this is the first Bond movie that wasn’t based on any of Ian Fleming’s novels or short stories. This was written by Michael G. Wilson, one of producers that worked with Albert R. Broccoli, lord and master of the Bond movies. Second of all, Wilson was forced to finish the screenplay all alone because of the strike by the Writers Guild of America. It prevented the co-writer Richard Maibaum from participating in the writing of the rest.
Finally, the already mediocre film, which was typically 80s by the way, had to compete with some of the biggest blockbusters of the 80s. It was in fact one of the most profitable summers in Hollywood. The other movies were Batman; Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade; Lethal Weapon 2; Honey, I Shrunk the Kids; Ghostbusters II; and Parenthood. Some of these were obviously heavy competition (others just sucked horribly).
The ending was a bit sucky, but all in all the movie was.. watchable. It’s also a shame that it wouldn’t have been another 6 years before the next Bond movie was made. This was due to a conflict about ownership rights and the like, and although Dalton was to make another Bond movie in 1991 which actually was based on a Fleming short story, he decided to take his leave in favour of better projects. I suppose he couldn’t wait around for the ownership shit to be sorted.
GoldenEye (1995)
Rated: 4/10
The beginning of the end. Or so it seems. They say that the previous movie wasn’t as popular as the older ones and they are probably right about that. Though this must have panicked the new producers, daughter and stepson of the late Mr Broccoli. What they came up with was a half-assed introduction to the new M, the new crew at MI6 and a pretty much half-assed plot to boot. This movie is an example of what happens when bad movies happen to good actors.
Let’s start off with the half-assed intro to Judi Dench, the new M. They make it as simplistic as possible. “I’m the new M”. There. How about the new Moneypenny? They replace her like we didn’t really notice. Who’s the new black guy? No one knows. It’s likely you don’t even know his name. Even more so, you probably don’t even know who I’m talking about. Try Google Images for Colin Salmon.
A whole reshuffle.. that’s nice. That’s not the bad part of the movie though. Boris is. Boris. How can one insignificant supporting actor who has little to no dialogue ruin a whole movie? Watch and see.
Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
Rated: 7/10
The birth of the Brosnan Bond. Unlike the half-assed attempt to bring back the “Cold War” feel to the Bond films, this one actually manages to bring Bond to the new era. It also shows the world what kind of Bond Brosnan really is. This movie.. is actually good.
Plausible story, which is what we all hope for from the Bond series; a decent plot, which is what we all want from any movie; and finally decent acting. As for the rest of it.. nothing much to add. I suppose this one passes off as “just another Bond movie”.
The World Is Not Enough (1999)
Rated: 8/10
This movie, in some respects, is similar to the previous one. Having gotten over the ‘grand reshuffle’ of MI6, this is somewhat indeed just another Bond movie. One exception which gave it the good grade: M gets involved. This is something none of the previous Bond movies dared to do. They broke the static mould of having James Bond go out, get laid and save the world, and decided to bust M out of the “stiff” shell. M is no longer that person sitting behind the desk in the office of impervious doors. M gets involved, gets captured and.. the grand part.. saves herself.
In short, the movie is the best Brosnan Bond movie out there. Other than trying to pass off Denise Richards as someone with nuclear capabilities, that was compensated by the sexy Sophie Marceau. All in all it rocked my socks, end of story.
Die Another Day (2002)
Rated: 4/10
No. No no no. NO! NO! The movie sucked. Hard. And long. And I am here to tell you why.
Madonna’s theme for the movie is not a Bond theme. It’s another synth-pop techno-esque half-shit song that belongs nowhere other than Robyn’s shelf. It’s not a Bond theme. If that didn’t fuck it up, her actual appearance in the movie didn’t do any better. I’m just glad it was short.
Next to that, the bit that made the movie suck a donkey-monkey hybrid’s testicles for 32 hours straight without a coffee break, was not the plot actually. The plot was good, up to the ending. What made it suck was the utter BOMBARDMENT of special effects. I would swear to god if I believed in one, you’d think Steven Spielberg and George Lucas were drunk and on crack and LSD while working or playing with the world’s most powerful special effects software. Every fucking 5 minutes you would see an act of god, or blasphemy for that matter, as the movie makers decided to rapingly impregnate the scene with yet MORE special effects. This is the apocalypse of special effects that not all of the Star Wars films, the Star Trek series, the Stargate series, the Farscape series, ET, the War Of The Worlds, the Lord Of The Rings series, the X-Files series, the Matrix series, including the Animatrix, COMBINED could and would never have accumulated to, even if the lives everyone and everything in the universe (including the parallel ones) depended on it. Fuck, not quantum physics could explain that shit! Another special effect and they would have been better off making the movie in 3D. Fucking hell!
Preceded by Bond Galore 1.
